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Sunday 17 March 2013
I'm currently sitting in a cafe in central York attempting to hush my irrational thoughts. Everything is so fragile, yet on the the verge of something completely wonderful. My life is edging towards being perfect, yet I'm so completely terrified of it going horribly wrong. Sometimes I feel ancient, trapped in an eternal darkness. But now a new dawn is breaking and the golden light of the sun burns my eyes.
I don't give my heart away very easily. But now, I'm certain I've found the home for my heart.
I don't give my heart away very easily. But now, I'm certain I've found the home for my heart.
Friday 8 February 2013
A very lovely place to be.
A lot has changed about my life since I last posted anything. I'm finding my feet again. I moved to York last April and battled a lot of personal issues. I am still trying to expel all self-doubt which has haunted me for sometime, consuming the very fabric of my self-being. I'm pretty proud to say that I'm getting there. Mind you, I can't take all the credit for my personal successes. My boyfriend, Craig, has been my guiding light. He seems to hold a quiet confidence in who I am, and that must take some strength. He is moving to York soon and I hope to live with him soon after.
Happiness is present and I'm holding on to it for dear life. There's really only that ever-haunting sensation that I'm going to lose it all, that I deserve non of it. That's just something that I'm going to have to over-come. I fear to strive for something for the fear of experiencing defeat. It's quite ridiculous really. All of this anxiety cooped up inside is really doing no good at all. So my aim is to release it, to let it go. To shout "Fuck off! Be gone! I deserve to be okay!" I aim to return to university and get my MA. I hope to travel distant lands, to throw my hair back in foreign air and to laugh freely. Freely. Fear is like a prison. It not only dominates my thinking, it dominates what I do. It shackles me from seeking out the greatest adventures that my life could offer. That's no way to live. I am excommunicating fear from my life. For me, this is not common sense- this is bravery. Like facing the monster under your bed, you'll find joy not in realising the monster isn't real, but in how brave you were to kneel on the carpet and peer under your bed.
The best thing about this whole moving-forward-in-my-life malarky? I am not alone!
Happiness is present and I'm holding on to it for dear life. There's really only that ever-haunting sensation that I'm going to lose it all, that I deserve non of it. That's just something that I'm going to have to over-come. I fear to strive for something for the fear of experiencing defeat. It's quite ridiculous really. All of this anxiety cooped up inside is really doing no good at all. So my aim is to release it, to let it go. To shout "Fuck off! Be gone! I deserve to be okay!" I aim to return to university and get my MA. I hope to travel distant lands, to throw my hair back in foreign air and to laugh freely. Freely. Fear is like a prison. It not only dominates my thinking, it dominates what I do. It shackles me from seeking out the greatest adventures that my life could offer. That's no way to live. I am excommunicating fear from my life. For me, this is not common sense- this is bravery. Like facing the monster under your bed, you'll find joy not in realising the monster isn't real, but in how brave you were to kneel on the carpet and peer under your bed.
The best thing about this whole moving-forward-in-my-life malarky? I am not alone!
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